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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

One of My Saddest Moments

I've been thinking about this blog post pretty much since I heard the news...news I wasn't expecting, news I had heard before but was in my past, news that I thought had changed. 
 
I have had my fair share of sad moments.  Who hasn't?  But this top the list.  Maybe because it doesn't just affect me, but my family I've created...Josh and Charlotte.
 
While my family was here, I met with my new Cardiologist (which I love).  He is originally from Chile but just moved here a few months ago from Phoenix.  He agreed with our decision to move and kept telling me that we are going to love it here.  He had to ask all the social questions...Do you drink? Do you smoke? Do you take drugs?...in which I finally said, "I'm Mormon!"  He laughed and said, "oh they have you in line."  We both had a good laugh.  I expressed my want to get pregnant this summer and explained that my last pregnancy went perfect.

After doing an echo and looking over all my past history, he came in and told me NO MORE KIDS.  Wait, what? But my last cardiologist told me that because of how well my last pregnancy went I could have one more.  As I cried my eyes out in his office, he continued to explain something called, moderate decreasing function (on a scale from mild, moderate, severe) in my right ventricle.  That if I get pregnant again, it will basically quicken the time when I need a heart transplant and that heart transplants, on average, last ten years.  So why quicken it if you can avoid it.  I did tell him that this wasn't new news.  But I was only expecting to go in, have him say everything looks great, and leave.  My heart surgeon, Dr. Lambirdi, had told my parents, "ONE KID and if that goes well, consider yourself lucky and move on."  And due to the fact that my last doctor said I could have another one, it got my hopes up and now, just confused.  He also said he was going to contact my last cardiologist in Orange County and get her thoughts.  Although, if he came back and said, oh nevermind, go ahead and have a kid; I'd be a little skeptical.  Yesterday, I went and met with my new OB/GYN.  I asked him, "If I was your wife, what would you do." Regarding my want to get pregnant (he knew my medical history).  His eyes got super wide and started shaking his head no and said, "of course we will support you in whatever decision you make, but I don't recommend it."  It's really a risky thing.  The fact that Charlotte's pregnancy and birth went so well is truly a miracle. 
 
Josh and I are trying to focus on the positive and the many blessings that we have right now.  I am so grateful that I do have a healthy daughter, who continues to make me laugh and surprises me everyday.  The doctors could have easily told me no kids at all!  I had a wonderful time being pregnant and loved every minute of it.  I'm glad my one time was such a great experience to look back on.  We know there are other options to join children into our family, but as of right now, we haven't felt an overwhelming feeling to do anything specific.  We would love to do surrogacy, but the cost is rather high and may not be able to do that for a few years.  Luckily, Charlotte is still young and we have time to figure some things out.  I feel the most for Charlotte.  For not being able to have that close sibling relationship with a sister or a brother.  Josh and I are close to our siblings and I think that's what makes this situation that much harder.  Another thing that makes this situation hard is the fact that my body can get pregnant and can have a great pregnancy.  But of course, who knows how it would go the next time around?  We will try to give Charlotte a wonderful life and give her opportunities she may not have been given with multiple siblings.  We have to just keep looking at it in a positive light.  One thing I do try to do, when she is acting "naughty" (I don't like that word at this age because they don't really know the difference but you get what I'm saying), is nip it in the bud right away.  I don't want people to think just because we have one child we let her get away with everything or have it her way.  No, no, not in this house.
 
 This is a very intimate blog post but I try to be honest and real.  I know people are always wondering when the next child is coming and I thought this might be able to answer questions without having to tell every person...and cry every time I talk about it (because I do).  I also know that people care and wonder about my health, especially family.  They want to know what is going on and we appreciate your love and concern.  You all know I'm an open book, so if you do have questions, please don't hesitate to ask :)
    

11 comments:

  1. Tiersha Thank you for sharing something so personal. You are in my thoughts and prayers at this time. I am so glad you moved to Charlotte and to get to know you better.

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  2. My dear friend, you are a beautiful person. I admire your strength and bravery for posting something so personal. I am not a mother, but I can understand- as a woman, how it must feel. I am sure you know of all your other options of having a child and don't need me to tell you them. But, I just hope you know that no one will ever think less of you as a woman or mother for this situation. I am sure I can speak for everyone when I say: you are amazing, a light in the world, and have accomplished so much and lead a very honorable life and you are a great role model. Never doubt that or be hard on yourself for anything. Love, Elise Gargalikis

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  3. Oh my dear... what a hard thing to hear especially when you had been expecting a totally different response?? So sorry.

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  4. This was hard to hear, I am so sorry. You and josh are wonderful parents! God will bless your family as you stay close to him during this time. Much love and prayers to you.

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  5. That would be such a hard thing to hear. I'm glad you're taking a positive outlook on it, because that will help so much. Life is so tough sometimes!

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  6. I am feeling for you my friend. I am so sorry for this trial in your life. So grateful you have Charlotte. And so important that you stick around so you can be her Mom. She needs you! In time you will know what you need to do to add to your family... Lots of love!

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  7. Hi Tiersha,
    I hope you don't mind that I read your blog once in a while. So sorry to hear this. I was just posting on our blog today about how we had a hard time getting pregnant and how it took us a few years. You're right, we all have sad moments and trials in our lives. Also, I was an only child growing up and it really wasn't that bad but we are so fortunate to live in a time when we do have so many options. Best of luck and hope everything turns out well. PS Your daughter is darling :)

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  8. Oh Tiersha, this made me teary! I feel like nothing I say will adequately describe how I'm feeling for you! I can only imagine how sad you must have been sitting in that room :( I'm so sorry :( But I have no doubt more adorable children will join your family, in whichever way is best for you guys :) We love you guys so much!

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  9. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. Know that I love you and I'm here any time you need to talk. Hugs friend!!

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  10. Tiersha and Josh, so sorry that was your news. It is so hard when your body fails when you are not ready and decisions are made for you. Hard reality to face. You guys are such wonderful parents and Charlotte is so lucky to have you both. I am sure whatever avenues are next for yohr family will be amazing and you guys will be awesome. We love you guys and miss you tons!!

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  11. Tiersha, My heart goes out to you and your family. You have such a sweet family and I know that your family will continue to grow in size one way or another. I just wanted you to know that we are thinking and praying for you at this difficult time. Sending love your way! Natalie, John, and Hailey

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