One of My Saddest Moments

I've been thinking about this blog post pretty much since I heard the news...news I wasn't expecting, news I had heard before but was in my past, news that I thought had changed.    I have had my fair share of sad moments.  Who hasn't?  But this top the list.  Maybe because it doesn't just affect me, but my family I've created...Josh and Charlotte.   While my family was here, I met with my new Cardiologist (which I love).  He is originally from Chile but just moved here a few months ago from Phoenix.  He agreed with our decision to move and kept telling me that we are going to love it here.  He had to ask all the social questions...Do you drink? Do you smoke? Do you take drugs?...in which I finally said, "I'm Mormon!"  He laughed and said, "oh they have you in line."  We both had a good laugh.  I expressed my want to get pregnant this summer and explained that my last pregnancy went perfect.
After doing an echo and looking over all my past history, he came in and told me NO MORE KIDS.  Wait, what? But my last cardiologist told me that because of how well my last pregnancy went I could have one more.  As I cried my eyes out in his office, he continued to explain something called, moderate decreasing function (on a scale from mild, moderate, severe) in my right ventricle.  That if I get pregnant again, it will basically quicken the time when I need a heart transplant and that heart transplants, on average, last ten years.  So why quicken it if you can avoid it.  I did tell him that this wasn't new news.  But I was only expecting to go in, have him say everything looks great, and leave.  My heart surgeon, Dr. Lambirdi, had told my parents, "ONE KID and if that goes well, consider yourself lucky and move on."  And due to the fact that my last doctor said I could have another one, it got my hopes up and now, just confused.  He also said he was going to contact my last cardiologist in Orange County and get her thoughts.  Although, if he came back and said, oh nevermind, go ahead and have a kid; I'd be a little skeptical.  Yesterday, I went and met with my new OB/GYN.  I asked him, "If I was your wife, what would you do." Regarding my want to get pregnant (he knew my medical history).  His eyes got super wide and started shaking his head no and said, "of course we will support you in whatever decision you make, but I don't recommend it."  It's really a risky thing.  The fact that Charlotte's pregnancy and birth went so well is truly a miracle.    Josh and I are trying to focus on the positive and the many blessings that we have right now.  I am so grateful that I do have a healthy daughter, who continues to make me laugh and surprises me everyday.  The doctors could have easily told me no kids at all!  I had a wonderful time being pregnant and loved every minute of it.  I'm glad my one time was such a great experience to look back on.  We know there are other options to join children into our family, but as of right now, we haven't felt an overwhelming feeling to do anything specific.  We would love to do surrogacy, but the cost is rather high and may not be able to do that for a few years.  Luckily, Charlotte is still young and we have time to figure some things out.  I feel the most for Charlotte.  For not being able to have that close sibling relationship with a sister or a brother.  Josh and I are close to our siblings and I think that's what makes this situation that much harder.  Another thing that makes this situation hard is the fact that my body can get pregnant and can have a great pregnancy.  But of course, who knows how it would go the next time around?  We will try to give Charlotte a wonderful life and give her opportunities she may not have been given with multiple siblings.  We have to just keep looking at it in a positive light.  One thing I do try to do, when she is acting "naughty" (I don't like that word at this age because they don't really know the difference but you get what I'm saying), is nip it in the bud right away.  I don't want people to think just because we have one child we let her get away with everything or have it her way.  No, no, not in this house.    This is a very intimate blog post but I try to be honest and real.  I know people are always wondering when the next child is coming and I thought this might be able to answer questions without having to tell every person...and cry every time I talk about it (because I do).  I also know that people care and wonder about my health, especially family.  They want to know what is going on and we appreciate your love and concern.  You all know I'm an open book, so if you do have questions, please don't hesitate to ask :)